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Let’s be clear up front: No one’s telling you to be a jerk. But one reason why nice guys finish last is they’re easy to take advantage of.
So, what are the main reasons why nice guys finish last?
1. They Have No Boundaries.
2. They Aren’t A Challenge.
3. They Try To Fake Authenticity.
4. They Don’t Lead Or Take Charge.
5. They Don’t Acknowledge The Science.
6. They Obsess About The Perfect Girl.
7. They Whine and Complain.
Being a real “nice guy” is just fine. That’s not the problem at all…
There’s a fine line between being courteous and treating people with respect and being a total doormat for women…
Some people are so driven in their desire to appear nice or please others that they come off as what David Deangelo refers to as “Wussies.”
Women will question their motives or view them as inauthentic when they see this wussy-like behavior every time…
In some cases, women can take advantage of this weakness to gain something whether it’s money, favors, or validation.
Look, every man wants to charm a woman on a first date. But with charm comes balance…
The danger comes in ceding total control of things too early with a woman. You place your will and what you want subordinate to hers.
Things can quickly spiral out of control and you’ll end up being hurt because you’ve lost track of your true self.
Let’s examine these seven reasons, in detail, why nice guys finish last and how you can avoid falling into the “nice guy” trap:
1. They Have No Boundaries
Nice guys fail to set proper boundaries at the onset of a new relationship.
She nudges her way into micromanaging what you do in your free time, who you spend time with, and what you spend money on…
Soon you’re just a puppet acting out her idea of an ideal boyfriend.
The only thing is that a puppet is not what she needs.
She needs a man who has *ambition* and stands for something. Women are drawn to guys who are assertive about their romantic relationships and life goals.
A signature nice guy move is waiting too long to try and claw back a sense of self…
At that point, she’ll probably take it as a personal attack, and it’s likely the relationship will fail…
It’s unfortunate, but not the end of the world for the nice guy. You’re better off being alone than being with someone who loves a phony version of yourself…
To avoid getting rolled over too fast by her, set your flag early on.
Let her know that, while you are open to compromise in the relationship, you are the master of your own fate. You decide what you do and where you go.
It’s not all about being the dominant player in a relationship. There are plenty of successful partners who both live very determined lives.
It’s about maintaining balance as you bring other people into your life.
2. They Aren’t A Challenge
Many women will deny it, but there’s something written in female genetic code that makes them love challenging men.
Maybe it’s primal, but women are often turned off when a man succumbs to their advances too early.
There’s a reason almost every man knows to wait a few days after a first date or hold off responding to texts immediately.
You want to make her stew a bit, to writhe in the anxiety of uncertainty over your feelings for her. Nice guys will call or show up with flowers the next day…
Women love to chase and be chased. They put a lot of effort into looking nice and want to know all that effort pays off.
But if you’re too easy, she might take advantage of you…
You may soon find yourself picking up dry cleaning or keeping her company while she folds laundry.
The worst-case scenario is you’ll end up in the “friend zone”, where you get all the work of being a boyfriend without any of the benefits.
Avoid being compromised by managing emotional distance. You need to make your partner invest in the relationship, and that means investing in you.
They need to feel some level of commitment that makes it harder to walk away…
This doesn’t mean be a complete jerk to someone you have feelings for, but it does mean don’t expose yourself too early on.
Wait a few days, don’t answer every call on the first ring, go on a date with someone else even.
Let her know that if she wants you, she’s got to work for it, and you’re worth the sweat.
3. They Try To Fake Authenticity
Being phony has never worked for anyone. Even in the short-term, people may think they have what they want, but they’re miserable inside.
Acting like a nice guy when you’re not really that nice is a dumb idea. It’s probably worse than actually being a nice guy because it’s fake.
Don’t underestimate women’s ability to see through bs. A man who’s not authentic is a huge turnoff.
Being something they’re not is why nice guys finish last. Almost every guy has some mean streak in them. We’re built to be competitive, possessive, and strong.
There’s a reason women flock to athletes and business moguls. They’re attracted to power and excellence.
The best thing a man can do is embrace who they really are. Figure out what you want with life and love, and don’t apologize for it.
Women will naturally find your pursuit irresistible.
4. They Don’t Lead Or Take Charge
Look, no woman wants to be treated like a possession. Taking charge in a relationship doesn’t mean you get to call all the shots and be the boss.
It does, however, mean that women appreciate it when men take the lead from time to time.
Even men don’t like hanging around people who respond “whatever you feel like” to everything.
Nice guys are yes-men, and that’s why they finish last…
Think about a great boss you’ve had. What were their qualities? Did they just let the group decide what the team’s goals were and how things would go? Of course not!
They rallied the troops, pointed in a direction, and were first up the hill.
They held everyone to high standards and didn’t apologize for their expectations.
It’s the same thing with women. Ladies love a man who knows when to lead and when to support.
Sometimes they want someone else to decide what movie to watch and where to eat dinner…
Women love men who will stand up for them when they’ve been wronged and act virtuously…
As men we need to adjust our desire to lead or take charge in a successful partnership.
Finding parity in power with relationships takes time. Just don’t become so passive she feels like she has to drag you around through life.
5. They Don’t Acknowledge The Science
Believe it when I say there are bedrock behavioral principles when it comes to relationships.
No, not everyone is the same, and not everyone follows stereotypes.
However, there is truth found in studying how relationships between men and women traditionally play out.
When people commit an act or behave in a way they are rewarded, they tend to repeat those behaviors…
For some reason, nice guys disregard the behavioral feedback loop and continue treating women well without any rewards…
They treat them well hoping that at some point all of their “niceness” will be noticed…
What they fail to understand, though, is they are actually reinforcing their partner’s bad behavior.
Think about it…
When women treat a nice guy poorly and get nothing but love and affection back, they are programmed to repeat that behavior.
The pattern is telling them that if they treat this nice guy poorly, he’ll continue to do what I say.
Eventually the relationship becomes manipulative because she’s learned she has virtually total command over him. That’s why nice guys finish last…
They’ve put themselves so deep in the whole it’s impossible to dig out.
A healthy relationship works when both people are capable of rewarding positive behavior and withholding rewards in its absence.
It’s nature’s way of finding equilibrium. Men should be selective in the rewards they give women to encourage better treatment from them.
Try at times to even purposely withhold rewards from your partner to see if it promotes even more respect and love…
Just don’t go overboard, OK?
You want to avoid neglecting her so no resentment builds.
6. They Obsess About The Perfect Girl
We’ve all known guys who were way too naïve about finding the perfect girl…
You know, someone who looks great, works out, is a five-star chef, wants to have kids and hold down a powerful career simultaneously…
They’ll hold out for years, passing on great women who would be a lot of fun to date…
While they’re editing their eHarmony profile alone at night, everyone else is out enjoying themselves with more realistic expectations…
Yes! Nice guys tend to obsess over finding the perfect woman!
They want someone who will raise them high on a pedestal they way they tend to do to others.
The only problem is, even if the perfect girl’s out there, she’s probably already been won over by someone else…
Another man, not so nice, came along, asserted himself, and asked her out…
Nice guys who find their ideal woman will sit and stew over it…
How could she be with him? He’s a total jerk!!
Well, the relationship probably started exactly the ways we’ve discussed.
A good guy with a little mean streak in him posed a challenge to her and took charge.
He was careful about maintaining boundaries at the beginning, so they’ve established a good reward feedback loop that keeps them close and happy.
Oh, the injustice of it all…
Nice guys keep telling themselves they’re waiting for the perfect woman while great guys go out there looking for them.
That’s the difference, waiting versus acting, and that’s why nice guys finish last every time.
READ How To Get Laid to discover how to get your mojo flowing and start closing the deal with attractive women
7. They Whine And Complain
Let’s just set it straight that winners don’t whine, and they don’t complain.
They accept the hand they’re dealt and make the best of it. Nice guys do everything wrong and then complain about the results.
They bend over backwards for women, and then when they’re taken advantage of, they take issue with being friend-zoned.
They don’t take responsibility for the fact that their situation is of their own creation.
Nice guys see other men winning over women they want and make a fuss about how “bad guys” get the girl.
They don’t own up to the fact those men are just acting in a way a woman finds attractive. They know what works.
Whining is a byproduct of low self-esteem. It oozes insecurity…
Therefore, the worst thing a man can do is complain about his life situation as if he has no control over his destiny.
What kind of woman wants to be with a man won’t accept responsibility?
STOP if you ever find yourself inclined to complain about why a woman doesn’t want to be with you…
That’s essentially the nail in the coffin and you can kiss your chances goodbye…
Don’t be the nice guy who begs for scraps and thinks a woman will date him out of pity.
Get up, dust yourself off, and move on. You know what, she’ll probably even think it’s bit hot.
The Guy Who Gets This Wins The Girl
Men are generally good and virtuous. Don’t confuse good character with being a nice guy.
Anytime women label a man as “nice”, it’s a passive reference to the fact that he’s just not enough.
He doesn’t exude the strength that woman, and anyone really, want in a partner. Instead of thinking being a nice guy is the way to go, men need to aspire to be a great guy…
A great guy can be nice, and he can be mean. He knows what he wants and he’s willing to act to achieve his goals. He wants a woman to cherish who will cherish him back…
Great guys aren’t afraid to push back when things aren’t going their way. They’ll take charge and they don’t whine.
If you’ve ever wondered why nice guys finished last, it’s because they didn’t know they could be great.
Hi Daterboy, and thanks for this oh-so-true and very entertaining article on Why Nice Guys Finish Last. Speaking as a woman, I have to say that you hit the nail on the head quite a few times throughout your post.
Before I met “The One” (my husband), I did quite a bit of dating and I have had some experience with ‘phony’ guys. That is such a turn-off, and I think that most guys that fake authenticity just don’t understand that we women can spot a phony at 50 paces. Oftentimes, instead of being impressive, it just comes off as pathetic.
I’ve also dated a complainer or two, but not for long! Thanks for spreading the word about what most women want!
Sue
Aww thanks Sue! Yes, I had been itching to tackle this topic for some time since I was a super shy boy back in my younger days. It’s almost as if we as men don’t want to rock the boat and upset the woman in any way, especially when we first meet her. So we default to this super-safe, boring persona that just repels women…
Thanks for stopping by! -R
I have a question. Did you write this from experience? Having being married for 35 years, you are spot on! What you have stated makes perfect sense. Your 7 steps are more applicable to a relationship before one gets steady or into marriage. But even after marriage, these situations do arise. I love the tips you give in preparing and handling these situations.
In any relationship of value, compromise is necessary in order for the relationship to grow in a healthy manner. The problem arises when only one party does all the compromising. In my relationship, I pick my battles wisely. When important issues need to be resolved, commonsense must prevail. I recognized a long time ago that women have their moods. And that used to think I was the cause of bad or unusual moods. In most cases I was not! But earlier on I felt I had to do whatever necessary to make my wife feel happy. I learned later that is a fools errand. It is more important for each party to give the other room to breathe, even if that means letting them have bad days, or moments.
Once I learned that lesson, our lives improved measureably. This ties in directy to what you stated. Men especially need to have confidence and not worry to much about making a woman happy all the time.
This is a wonderful blog and I hope more men read this.
Cheers!
Edwin
Hey Edwin! Yes, I was definitely a shy guy in my teens and early 20s. Everything I write on this blog comes from direct experience, either from my personal life or working in the trenches with clients the last several years.
These are totally applicable to marriage, for sure! I know that now because I just got married haha! Split that compromise right down the middle and you’ll have a happy life together 🙂
Thank you for the mighty fine compliments, sir! -R
wow! what an eye beholding article. am so glad to come across this article, for it has help me to see relationship and dating in a different dimension. Being nice in a relationship is cool but the question is, is it real or fake? faking an attribute only last in a short period but on the long run the true or real you will definitely be expose to the bright day light.
from your article l’ll like to put more light on the fourth point “they don’t lead or take charge”. Taking lead or charge or lead in a relationship does not mean intimidating or humiliating you partner(girl) instead respect her opinion but do not say yes to everything she does or says because you want to keep her, no girl would be happy with a man saying yes to everything she says cause it appears as if you are not man enough to correct them when they are wrong so they will feel you too weak and that turn many women off. This is out of experience, i lose my first girl friend because i was pretending to be a good guy so i tend to say yes to everything she said even when she’s wrong i will be apologizing instead of her so the whole thing really affected the relationship that lead to separation. So as a man in relationship try and take charge positively, its an authority God had bestowed on us ab-initio.
Ahhh yes, the fake nice guy routine…Yikes! Sorry to hear it cost you your girlfriend, Ayockson 🙁
No women wants a man to agree with her on everything. That will reek of desperation and lack authenticity. Then you end up in this vicious cycle of apologizing to her about everything under the sun, and that is just plain unattractive…
Thank you for sharing this experience here! -R