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When that twisty tight feeling strikes your gut and those b.s. alarm bells blare loudly in your brain, you may come faced with the question, “Is my boyfriend cheating?”
What are the red flags your boyfriend is cheating on you?
1. He’ll Constantly Be Late Meeting Up With You.
2. He Won’t Let You Near His Phone Or Computer.
3. He’ll Never Be In The Mood For Sex.
4. He’ll Never Bring Up Details About His Exes.
5. He Won’t Reveal Intimate Details About Himself.
6. He’ll Act Secretive And Strange Regularly.
7. He’ll Smell Like Another Girl’s Perfume.
8. He’ll Accidentally Call You By The Wrong Name.
Firstly, I would like to disclose to you that I have fortunately never cheated on a woman. Not once.
There are tons and tons of loyal men out there that do value your trust.
If they're like me, they do everything in their power to maintain it.
The red flags discussed below come directly from the experiences of my female dating clients. These are the things they had to endure in search of the truth with their boyfriends/partners.
Now, a closer look at those *other* more elusive, evasive kind of male specimen…
Those darn CHEATERS.
If you've taken your time before rushing into a relationship, hopefully you've been able to calibrate your set of values and beliefs against his:
1. How does he treat you emotionally when it's just the two of you?
2. How does he treat his mother and other family members?
3. Have you openly discussed the nature of your relationship? (i.e. open relationship vs. being exclusive)
Having everything out in the open and on the table in the beginning with him so expectations are properly managed is crucial.
But unfortunately, even when you've communicated clearly, some men will pull stunts or (even worse) play dumb.
If you've gotten to the point where you're seriously questioning “is my boyfriend cheating,” it may be time to reevaluate your status with him.
Here are the nine red flags, in detail, ranging from subtle to obvious, that you may have a cheater on your hands:
1. He'll Constantly Be Late Meeting Up With You
Let's face it: some men are just late for everything.
If you've been dating your boyfriend for at least a few months, he should have a desire to get better at this.
Why? Because if he values you and your relationship, it should be a larger priority for him.
In other words, he shouldn't be leading you to feel that someone else is more deserving of his time.
After all, who wants to be left feeling second best?
He may have a demanding job, which can cause a strain in any relationship. But you'll know in your gut how much he values your time.
Let your intuition do the talking and never second-guess it, because you'll usually be re-directed back to your first instinct.
Does he leave you waiting an hour or more regularly? Is that little voice in your head getting louder while asking “is my boyfriend cheating?”
If so, I'd say you really should debate whether he's really in this relationship for the long haul.
Otherwise, it may be time to look out for one of these other red flags that are bound to creep up…
2. He Won't Let You Near His Phone Or Computer
Again, we'll use the benchmark of three months for you being with your boyfriend here.
After three months, you would have developed a general level of trust and intimacy with him as you move out of the “honeymoon” phase.
Now, here's a couple of simple questions for you: Is he okay letting you use an app on his phone? Is he okay letting you run his Spotify playlist on his computer?
If the answer is NO for either of these, then I'd say you have every right to be asking yourself “is my boyfriend cheating?”
What's the guy hiding? Sure, it could be his porn. But by this point with him, it's not like that would be a crazy secret.
Unless of course he knows that's a deal-breaker for you, fine.
Or maybe there's a religious component to this particular topic…
But when men are this guarded with their privacy, it might be worth discussing with him.
Just don't be that overly possessive girl who mandates that you read all his texts and emails. That's just creepy and wrong...
3. He'll Never Be In The Mood For Sex
One of the main reasons heterosexual men get into relationships is for sex!
(Sorry to spill the beans, boys!) But it's naturally easier for men to have sex *whenever they want* when they have a steady partner versus being single.
So for a man to get into a relationship with you to “retire” from having sex altogether really goes against our male DNA.
Asexual men (those who don't enjoy sex) have better things to do then get into some relationship with a woman, unless of course she is asexual herself.
But my assumption here in you reading this is that you're not asexual.
So where is his sexual energy going? Might be a perfect time to ask “is my boyfriend cheating?”
He may have a porn addiction… okaaay but if he did, he'd probably just stay single.
He may be gay… suuure but if he were, that might bring up a whole other set of red flags for you.
If he's making up weird excuses to not have sex, call him out IMMEDIATELY. Pin him down on a date when you can have sex next.
Yes, make a sex date. (It's a thing.)
If he's incapable of planning a sex date and is evasive in his reasoning, tell him you have some thinking to do and walk out.
Ain't nobody got time for that nonsense!
4. He'll Never Bring Up Details About His Exes
From my coaching experience, I think the biggest catalyst that triggers the question “is my boyfriend cheating?” is when men fail at intimacy constantly.
In other words, men are not willing to self-disclose personal, intimate details about themselves to their partners.
That being said, men are not naturally programmed or readily equipped with this skill set. It's a learned behavior.
Growing up in a house full of women, I managed to learn this early on and it's benefited me greatly with women.
But then there's that wall men conveniently throw up with you and it feels like he's hiding something…
Your instincts know. They've always known.
When it comes to exes, men tend to compare their past partners to one another. I've been guilty of this many times.
Don't take it personally. It's just a way for us to make sure we're evolving in a way. Hey, we're choosing better, after all.
But if a man is unwilling to discuss past partners on any level, he may not be giving you his full trust.
That's something you should question every time.
It's one of those tiny red flags that raises doubt about where you really stand with him.
Consequently, it may give him an excuse to “wander off the reservation” if he doesn't feel locked down with you.
READ my review of Rori Raye Toxic Men to learn how to identify if your man is no longer good for you >>
5. He Won't Reveal Intimate Details About Himself
Like #4, this is an unconscious choice he's made to keep quiet about himself.
Now, I want to be clear about something…
Intimacy and self-disclosure take several months (not just three) to build and take place. Don't expect him to spill his guts right away. That would be weird…
If you ask him a personal question, look past his words. Is it just too soon for him to answer what you're asking or is it something different?
Now I realize after re-reading some of this post that I might be facilitating a lot of paranoia in women reading this.
Yikes! Forgive me. That is not my intention at all.
As with my previous clients, consider me to be a mirror. In other words, let me reflect what you already know.
Deep down, you already really know if he's cheating.
Women have this beautiful gift of knowing the *emotion game* inside and out. If he's checked out, you're dialed into it…
Remember, these are not stand-alone signs. We're looking for “clusters” of these behaviors.
6. He'll Act Secretive and Strange Regularly
Obviously, there's a big difference between someone being weird and acting weird.
If it's out-of-the-norm for him to be shifty and evasive, pay attention to your b.s. meter.
If he's acting guilty about something, he probably is. I had a female client tell me her boyfriend kept apologizing to her out of the blue for random, small things.
Like super small things…
Something inside her kept asking “is my boyfriend cheating?” We realized she was seeing a few of these other signs, as well, and we determined that he was, in fact, cheating on her.
His apologizing was a way for him to apologize to her for cheating, but not actually apologizing for that specifically.
She ended up walking away from that relationship and is now engaged with another man. But she always knew it in her heart.
Let the signs tell the story and never deny your God-given instincts.
7. He'll Smell Like Another Girl's Perfume
There's nothing subtle about this one. After all, it's wafting right in your face.
He's yearning to get caught. But instead of telling you directly, he's forcing you to figure it out.
Men make mistakes they wish they could take back. But some men are just plain oblivious.
On a character level, if you ever experienced this sign, run for the hills and don't look back. He isn't worthy of you. This is so disrespectful and you deserve better.
8. He'll Accidentally Call You By The Wrong Name
Ever hear of the expression a “Freudian slip?” That's exactly what this sign represents.
Sure, a slip of the tongue here and there is harmless. But when a man calls you by another woman's name more than once? Yeah, that's a problem!
“Is my boyfriend cheating,” you ask? Might be time to start investigating! In his mind, he's with the other woman when he does this.
The crazy thing is, more time than not, he won't even catch it to correct himself! It's such a subconscious event that he may even deny doing it altogether.
“Vanessa? Who's Vanessa???” Busted!
Read his eyes. That name didn't just appear out of thin air. There is (or was) a Vanessa in his life at some point. Sure, it could be an ex.
Or is it?
Never Ask Yourself “Is My Boyfriend Cheating” Again
To recap, you know if he's cheating or not. You may want to some hard proof he is, or you can just ask him.
His eyes and body language will be all the evidence you really need. Unless he's Robert DeNiro, he's not going to be able to sell you some lie.
Just go in being cautiously optimistic. Maybe you had it wrong.
Point out everything you're seeing to him from *your perspective.* Really make him see his shadiness from your eyes.
If his explanation doesn't pass the smell test, get out of the relationship. Honestly, most men don't cheat.