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OK, I know what you're probably thinking. How is this straight, married man going to teach me how to get a boyfriend?
My answer is simple: I'm a straight, married man.
I was out at a bar with some friends the other night and met a successful older woman who was having trouble finding the right man.
She knew of my dating consulting work and my blog and said something interesting to me…
“Well, I need to be learning from you! You're a straight, married man! Why would I want to learn about straight men from some woman or gay guy?”
This interaction is what really inspired me to write this article. She's right: Guys know guys.
If you can tackle even HALF the items on this list, you've stepped that much closer to meeting a great guy.
I want to let you in on a little secret about us before we dive in. It may sound abstract at first, but really, it's quite simple…
Men love women who love being women.
Why? Because you possess all the things we don't have.
You see, men approach everything from a place of logic. For women, it's all about emotions… and we love that about you.
The women who find the best men have embraced their feminine energy, especially around their male partners.
Keep this in mind while you're going through the steps, okay?
Now, some of these steps are going to feel a little bigger than baby steps, but they're more than manageable for everyone.
You're going to have certain daily assignments (a few minutes a days max, like Step #28).
There are things I'll suggest you buy (don't worry, they won't break the bank)…
The most important thing to remember is these steps are all 100% doable for any woman:
1. Firstly, we'll address the things that you tell yourself to eliminate any thoughts that aren't serving you positively.
2. Secondly, we'll take a look at your current lifestyle and make tweaks to create happiness all around you.
3. Thirdly, we'll actively build new routes that lead to meeting tons of guys that have the potential to be right for you.
4. Finally, don't get overwhelmed. If you're reading this, you're ready to have a great guy by your side!
Let's have some fun with the process and enjoy the woman you become on the other side of it.
Here are 87 steps on how to get a boyfriend and make him think magic just happened:
Make This About You, Not Some Guy
1. You Are Not Your Past
No matter what happened with previous relationships, you start today with a clean slate. If you're carrying some baggage around right now and it's really heavy, I recommend checking out this program I reviewed here to get you back on track quickly.
2. Know Guys Secretly Want A Steady Relationship
One of the biggest myths out there about men is we're just looking for sex. Sure, some of us love the noncommittal single streets, but most of us want a real connection with someone. He's already searching for you, so keep your eyes open!
3. Stop Listening To Your Single Girlfriends About Men
I'm sorry, but your single girlfriends know little about men. Take it from the straight, married guy. I really want to make this game easier for everybody across the board. In fact, I know five single guys right now that would be excellent catches!
4. Reclaim Your Time
In order to find a boyfriend, you have to be strategic with your time. Pay attention to where a majority of that time is spent so you can reallocate time dumped into checking email, social media, etc. These activities aren't getting you closer to your bigger goals anyway.
5. Weed Out Your Drama Queen Friends
A little drama is fine from time to time. I'm talking about the friends that completely drain you. You can still hold love for them in your heart while you keep them at arm's length. Tell her you're going AWOL for a while to work on yourself, because that's the truth.
6. Temper Down Your Own Drama Queen
She may love to poke her head out here and there. But the path on how to get a boyfriend requires some “inner game” work on yourself. If you can tame your inner queen, you'll be all the much better for it, boyfriend or no boyfriend.
7. Spent Time Alone
If we have a large social circle, we are sometimes influenced heavily on large life decisions we never meant to be influenced on. Take a couple nights off a week just for yourself. It will help you move your frame of reference internally to truly become the boss of you.
8. Prioritize Your Values
What do you spend most of your time doing and thinking about? Does that energy spent match up with the things you value and associate with most? Make a list of your top five things you cherish most to keep things in perspective.
9. Ask Your Family To Tell You Who You Are
There's an old saying: “You show me who you go with, I'll show you who you are.” Chances are, your family has some interesting feedback for you as a person, some of which you may never have heard. Ask them to sum you up and contrast that with your own views of yourself.
10. Reduce & Refine Your Social Circle
Let's face it, we've all grown out of a relationship or two. But sometimes the people closest to us can be the most toxic. It's easier to keep them around rather than confronting the problem. Politely expel any influences from your circle who do not serve your interests or greater good.
11. Make One New Platonic Guy Friend
This is one of the trickier steps. All we're looking for is a friend here (not FWB, NSA, or even a boyfriend!) The idea is to have a baseline male perspective in your corner while beginning to attract a new crop of qualified men into your life.
12. Get Encouragement From Your Girlfriends
Let me clarify. Get encouragement from your happy girlfriends in relationships. They're the stable influences that have achieved something identical you hope to achieve. Be careful with fielding advice from them though. Your journey is going to be much different and unique to you, as it should.
13. Ditch ALL “Dating” Apps
You were hoping this wasn't going to be on this list of steps… my apologies. But I'm here to tell you these apps have been doing more harm than good when it comes to meeting the right guy. They keep you anchored in instant gratification. We want to focus on delaying gratification so things pop off well with this new guy.
14. Set Boundaries With Your New Guy Friend
He may have ideas of his own of what this relationship is with you. You'll want to make it clear that you'd like to get to know him as a friend and you're moving slow with everything in your life right now. It should become evident quickly if he's the right guy for this new role you want him to fill.
15. Keep A Journal
Preferably used a journal you actually write in and not use your phone. This keeps you in tune with your emotions and mindset, but also helps you hold yourself accountable for your new goal. A few entries a week should do the trick!
16. Write Down Your 5 Biggest Frustrations With Guys
I know this is turning into a workbook, but successfully identifying five of your biggest hangups with guys will prove to be useful in how to get a boyfriend. There's a great ebook I reviewed here recently that really simplifies how to engage with men and have awesome relationships with them.
17. Write Down A Way You Can Address Each Frustration
This will give you a road map in how to deal with recurring problems so you're not thrown off when they come your way again. You don't have to handle everything head-on either. The solution may be to simply ignore the frustration.
18. Read Up On Success Stories
Successful relationships are formed every day. It may be wise to check out some testimonials on dating sites like eHarmony for those tough days when you feel stuck. Written accounts of success keep you knowing it's possible and that it can happen for you, too.
19. Don't Make Finding A Boyfriend Your Top Priority
One of the tricks in how to get a boyfriend is by not making it your #1 priority. Never make a guy #1, even if you're in a relationship with him. Men are attracted to women who have got themselves put together first and foremost.
20. Pick A Friend Who Can Hold You Accountable
This would be a close girlfriend, preferably one in a good relationship, that can keep you moving towards your mission. You'll let them know of your pursuit of a boyfriend. Pick someone trustworthy who isn't going to run around and tell everybody you know.
21. Pick A Date 6 Months From Now
Accountability is all about deadlines. Pick a date and circle it on your calendar. Six months will be the perfect amount of time to set up you life in such a way that brings fulfillment and satisfaction. It's all about the marathon mentality, not the sprint mentality.
22. Don't Even Think About Dating Guys At Work
You do not want a boyfriend at work. I repeat – YOU DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND WHERE YOU EARN YOUR INCOME. Breakups are very common with workplace romances (I write extensively about dating at the workplace here). Ain't nobody got time for an unnecessary breakup!
23. Write A Letter Of Affirmation To Yourself
This may sound cheesy, but this is very powerful when you forget about it and read it later in the future. Write down your goal of getting a boyfriend in six months, sign it and SEAL it. It's very hard to let yourself down once you set an intention, so this will help you see it through.
24. Have Your Friend Give It To You In 6 Months
Hand it to your girlfriend and ask her to program six alarms in her smartphone (one per month) as a “check-in” with you on your progress. If she's a good friend, she'll wholeheartedly step into the accountability role and give you a hard time if you start slipping.
25. Take The Weekend Off
Let me just say, nice work! Seriously! You've already set a lot of pieces in motion to find a great guy, so now you deserve a break. Pop out of town or have a low-key weekend at home. The foundation in how to get a boyfriend is officially set!
Framing Your Life To Welcome Him In
26. Pick A Hobby To Creatively Express Yourself
You'll want to find something either outdoors, working with your hands, or has you releasing energy in a positive environment. It can be something you currently love doing or you wish you had pursued at some point. What speaks to you?
27. Join A Group That Does This Hobby
Find a Meetup group that does this hobby once a week. Or, you might even consider starting your own Meetup group! We don't need this to monopolize too much time, so don't go overboard. Send an email to the group leader and introduce yourself. Make sure it's local and convenient for you, too!
28. Meditate For 10 Minutes A Day
If this unfamiliar for you, try sitting in a quiet room with your eyes closed. The trick is to catch yourself when your mind wants to have a thought. Recognize when a thought pops up and tune it out. The more you practice this, the less the mind will intervene during your meditation.
29. Kick One Of Your Vices To The Curb
This doesn't have to be anything massive. We're not trying to create unnecessary stress for you. Simply pick something you can do without (i.e. cutting out fast food or soda). Decide that one thing is no longer a part of your life.
30. Delete Your Least Favorite Social Account
Let's give you two options: 1. Delete your least favorite social media account permanently OR 2. Delete either Facebook, Instagram or Twitter from your phone during the next six months. Again, it's all about filling your time with worthwhile activities.
31. Buy A Few New Outfits That Make You Feel Fabulous
New clothes just make us feel good. I don't want you to go breaking the bank just to feel good, but this is a worthy investment. Go buy yourself at least two new outfits that make you feel fabulous! My wife is really into Modlily right now and she looks great (just got 86% off!). Check them out here, if you'd like. Don't worry about impressing anybody other than yourself!
32. Tidy Up Your House/Apartment
I know this can be low on people's lists, unless you're a clean freak like me! And it's one of the last things we think about in geting a boyfriend. Make it a point to clean at least two rooms every other Sunday for six months. We're just about to Marie Kondo our own place up again. Decluttering your surroundings helps declutter your mind.
33. Pick One Legitimate Dating Site
Do not go for the free sites! You get what you pay for. eHarmony was always my go-to because of the in-depth personality matching. You can also check out my Resources page for more recommendations on dating sites that might be better suited for you. Whatever it is, make sure it's reputable and has testimonials of success stories that resonate with you.
34. Set Up Your Online Dating Profile
Women do a much more thorough job of this than men, so I won't get too specific here. The big thing is, represent yourself with 100% authenticity. If you're carrying around a few extra pounds, that's okay. Make sure your photos are no more than three months old and accurately depict you today.
35. Get Fresh Photos Taken In Your New Threads
Guys love seeing photos of girls out with their friends. It confirms for us that you have a life that you're happy with. This is your opportunity to convey that! Throw on your new outfit and get some photos together with your crew!
36. Select 5 Recent Photos of Yourself
Five photos is the perfect amount. Don't be the person who posts fifteen photos and comes across as desperate. Also, don't be the girl that posts one or two obscure filtered photos that look nothing like you. Guys will know you're hiding something!
37. Try One Improv Class
These types of acting classes are great and really make you think on your feet. The added benefit is that they're coed, so you have the opportunity to break out of your shell in a risk-free environment. You'll learn a lot your and other people's personality with this one!
38. Try One HIIT Training Class
Again, another great opportunity to push yourself in a coed environment. HIIT classes tend to be cardio-heavy, so be prepared to sweat it out in a high-octane setting with some fit gents. The best thing is the first class is usually free!
39. Try One Salsa Class
Try to find a salsa group that does live classes before “Salsa Night” begins. You learn a few steps, then later when the 14-piece salsa band comes out, it turns into party! These are usually hosted at certain clubs, so don't expect to pay more than $10 for the class itself.
40. Join A Coed Sports Or Trivia League
These have become tremendously popular lately in larger metropolitan areas. Find a kickball or softball league and join as a free agent. If you more of a trivia person, find a local pub that hosts trivia night each week. You'll be hangin' near fresh faces in no time!
41. Meet Your Male Friend For Coffee Or Lunch
Notice how I didn't say drinks or dinner? Again, you're the one framing the boundaries. Sure, things could develop romantically with this guy, but that's not the intention. Try to meet up once a week if you can. You just want practice in having a stable, male energy around you for feedback and reference is all.
42. Message 5 New Guys On Your Dating Site
If they send you a message with ten words or less, don't even bother with them. They're so lazy, they'll be expecting you to do and be pretty much everything in a relationship. Go with you instincts, just be a normal gal and don't get overwhelmed with this activity.
Time To Sift Through Your Options
43. Spend 20 Minutes Per Day On Messages
Pick a consistent time of day to knock this out. Maybe with your morning coffee or your late afternoon snack. You'll get a good idea of the level of quality of guys pretty quick. Remember, whether you end up meeting this guy from the dating site or just out in real life, we're hitting it from all angles!
44. Set Up Coffee Dates
Pick the guys you feel you'd like to meet in person and set up brief 30-45 minute coffee dates. Regardless of how the date goes, end the date before 45 minutes is up. If they're that awesome, you'll be able to carry that energy into Date #2 no problem!
45. Ask Your Male Friend For Advice
Next time you hang out with your buddy, ask him to give you some initial impressions he had of you. Just say that you're going through a process of auditing yourself right now. Ask him what you should be talking about on all of these coffee dates!
46. Have Him Give It To You Straight
Guys are really good at finding other people's “blind spots.” If you're a friend, we see it and we tell you. For example, you may not even realize you're bringing up your ex all the time. Don't worry; one way or another, we'll let you know.
47. Be On Top Of Your Personal Hygiene
This may seem like an obvious one, but you'd be surprised. I once had a girl show up to a coffee date sweating from the eight-mile run she had just gone on. I don't care what the situation is… never show up on a date sweaty… Check out my full article on personal hygiene tips for women that men endorse here.
48. Get Your Drinking Or Smoking Under Control
Men and women alike are becoming less tolerant of people's excessive smoking or drinking. You know deep down if you fall into the category of excess. Challenge yourself to curb your ways. It doesn't have to happen overnight, but start the work now to reduce it.
49. Expel One Negative Influence From Your Life
They say we go through 7-year life cycles where everything from the food you eat to the friends you have change over time. In short, cut one. Pick one thing in your life that's holding you back and give it the boot!
50. Chat Up Guys At Your Weekly Hobby Group
At this point, you've established some sort of rapport with the hobby group people. If you're feeling a block from your feminine side, I just found a solid program that helps a woman unlock her energy to boost attraction with men that I review here. Just be present and be connected.
51. Chat Up Guys At Your Weekly Coed League Group
Aside from the sport or game you've chosen to participate in, you'll have plenty “after hours” opportunities to go out for drinks afterwards. If the spirit moves you, go for it, but don't let your day get away from you. Be picky with extraneous events!
52. Ask Your Male Friend If He Knows Any Single Guys
By now, you've probably established if your friend is gaining an interest in you beyond the friendship. That's because you've presented yourself as a strong, independent woman to him, which is incredibly attractive to guys. If he's still cool with the friend zone, ask him what kind of guys he hangs with.
53. Decide Which Guys Get Upgraded To Date #2
You want to aim for less than a handful at this point. You may be a little exhausted by this point, but you've put yourself out there in a very strategic manner. It's time to weed out the ones that just didn't make the cut. If you played it cool, the ones you like will totally hit you up for a second date.
54. Be Fully Engaged In All Your Activities
I'd even go as far to say if you don't feel 100% into that activity that day, skip it for the day. No need to half-ass things at this point. If you're tired, take a day off. The great thing is if you do take it off, the guys in your activities will most likely be missing you…
55. Do NOT Re-Install Your Dating Apps Ever Again
You didn't really want to anyway, right? You've got great guys all around you that hooking up hopefully seems less relevant in the new life you've created. Remember, this is all about how to get a boyfriend. You're about to up your game and lock a winner down real soon.
56. Organize An Outing With Your Friends
Depending on your personality, one thing that can be fun is cross-pollinating groups of friends in larger style events. This isn't for everybody, especially if you exhausted and are quite content with you current level of social activity. It's yet one more opportunity to connect others with people they might like.
57. Be In Tune With His Text Game
For the handful of fellas you have remaining in the stables, this is the perfect time to test his communication patterns. Is he sending boring texts or is he flirting? Check out this article I wrote about what to text him here. If he knows how to excite you through his words, chances are he knows how to excite you in bed!
58. Let Him Lead The First Few Dates
Guys like to lead. It makes us feel relevant and important to you. It's also his time to shine with how creative he can be with those initial dates. It's an excellent window into his personality and what's really “under the hood.” Lean back and take note of his efforts or lack thereof.
59. No Sex With Any Of These Guys For One Month
None whatsoever. Delayed gratification, ladies! You want to have mind-blowing sex with a new guy you like? Believe me, if you're able to make it an entire month, it will create all sorts of the right kind of emotions for him (and you!). Total girlfriend status stuff! On Day #32, you better believe he's going to get to work on pleasing you!
60. Pick The Guy That Has The Best Chemistry With You
In your mind, pick the guy you like best. If he's supposed to be the right guy for you, he'll call and continue the trajectory you're on. If that happens, I'd slowly ween yourself off the other guys and phase them out. You want to make sure your guy is that much closer to exclusivity with you before axing all your options!
See How It All Plays Out
61. Take His Personality For A Test Drive
Women love to test men, whether you realize you're doing it or not. The truth is we don't mind them all, because we see it as an opportunity to get closer to you. Find out which environment lights him up and be there with him. If the kid can crush some karaoke, let him crush you some karaoke. If he's a shy guy, read my article about how to approach dating them here.
62. Don't Meet His Friends Right Away
He may be eager to introduce you to his friends, which could be a great sign. It can also mean he's lazy, not sure about you, and is throwing you in front of his friends to have them help make a decision about you. Politely let him know you're looking forward to meeting them, but you'd like to wait a little longer.
63. Evaluate His Relationship With His Mother
9 times out of 10, if he has a poor relationship with his mother, that residue will rub off on you negatively at some point. Sure, she could be a terrible person, but he could also be a narcissist, a woman hater, or just a crappy person to others. Take note on how he treats waiters, too.
64. Don't Introduce Him To Your Friends Yet
This is a mistake I see often and I've definitely introduced a girl to my friends too soon a time or two. You guys don't even know each other yet! Spend a month alone on dates. Everyone is going to have an opinion about him at some point, so control the feedback flow early on.
65. Get Some New Sexy Lingerie
I won't get too deep on this one. My wife tells me she always feels amazing when she makes the switch to new panties and bras. Whatever it is that makes you absolutely feel sexy inside and out, do it! Needless to say, it's keeping us both quite happy!
66. Only Allow One Date Per Week With Him
Another mistake I see is the instinct of women wanting to see a new guy as much as possible when things are working out in the beginning. However, this is a counter-intuitive situation. This one drives us wild if you can stick to it. Give him the gift of missing you!
67. You Play The Woman, He Plays The Man
A majority of problems tend to crop up when we start “stealing” the role of the other person. This role we've each taken on is an unspoken agreement we make with how we see ourselves moving forward together. Check out my review of a program that helps women step into their femininity with a man.
68. Let The Kiss Happen When The Moment Is Right
If the kiss feels right on the first date, go for it. It's everything after that that's off limits for a month! You want to convey to this guy that you're an independent, unpredictable individual. This will create a great deal of excitement within him about you! If you'd rather just have a fling with him instead, read my article about that here.
69. Accept His Invitation To His Place
It's inevitable that he's going to know that one month mark is approaching and he's going to ask you over. Because you two have abstained from sex for this long, it's going to be a wild night. You'll both be making first impressions that will have long-lasting positive effects on your sexual health and prowess!
70. Let Yourself Go With Him
This goes without saying. We're now at the point where we're letting go of certain restrictions we put in place at the beginning. You've subconsciously taught him (and yourself, BTW) to appreciate certain things about you. These are the things that bond men to women in ways they can't explain.
71. If He Doesn't Reach Out The Next Day, Re-Evaluate
I hope the sex was amazing. I also hope this guy is smart enough to do the right thing and call you the next day to say he had a great time. Sadly, many men drop the ball here. If he doesn't reach out, you need to seriously consider if this one is worth the hassle.
72. Keep Your Individual Lives And Dating Lives Separate
One thing I wished I had done was maintained friendships before my ex broke up with me. We get so lazy in relationships that we sometimes forget to be who we were before we met our significant others. Keep these two lives mutually exclusive!
73. Be Spontaneous
I had a female client tell me a story about when she came home from work, her boyfriend had left her a squirt gun and a note that said “DUCK!!!” on the kitchen counter. It clearly left an impression on him. Spontaneity is a crucial element in how to get a boyfriend. Never let things go stale!
74. If You're Feeling You Want Exclusivity, Let Him Know
If you're having these thoughts, chances are he is too. Never be afraid to ask a guy to be exclusive, but give it a couple months first, okay? If you're being present and in-the-moment with him, that's what's most important. Remember, you've already given him plenty of reasons to stick around…
75. Create Boundaries With Him
When I say boundaries, I'm not saying give him mandates. This goes back to keeping your individual and dating lives separate. Make it clear that you want to hang out with your friends and he should be hanging out with his. That's an excellent boundary to begin with. If you're a single mom, read my article on how to create those specific boundaries here.
76. Be Present With Him
Don't think about what you did or what you're going to do. There's nothing “present” about that! Remember your meditation practice. The more you can strip away thought with your guy and “do” less, you've got this one down.
77. Let His Life Be His Life
Women love to try to “fix” men. And men are also guilty with this with women. It's important that each of you work through your own problems independently. Let them know you're there, but you don't want to take away a golden opportunity for him to grow.
78. Be Tuned Into Your Emotions With Him
As you get out of the three-month “honeymoon phase,” you'll notice your thoughts and perceptions of him will change. You'll get to see who this guy really is! Sometimes, these truths aren't all pretty. Make sure deep down he still makes you feel great about yourself.
79. Introduce Him To Your Friends
Finally, it's time to introduce him to your friends. At this point, he'll probably be eager to meet them and may even want to impress them a little. Us guys yearn to be liked even if we have a tough guy exterior. Show him off and take the feedback with a grain of salt!
80. Be Supportive Of Where He Is In Life
Sure, you may be wishing he's evolved to your level, but a guy has got to go at his own pace. Men have an extremely hard time multi-tasking, whereas for women it is second nature. Patience is another overlooked key in how to get a boyfriend and keep him. Be patient with his shortcomings and deficiencies. If you're dating a younger man, read my article on how to give him a nudge here.
81. Listen Before Speaking
Sometimes, we can't help bulldoze our partners when we're trying to make a point about something. But you know what? You never learn anything with your mouth open. If you can take a beat and internalize his thought, he should give you the same courtesy in return.
82. Tell Him When He's Doing Something You Appreciate
If you ever witness him doing a kind gesture or action, let him know! Did he give a homeless veteran a dollar? Did he do the dishes without you asking him to? Tell him! Men crave appreciation, especially when we're doing something right!
83. Don't Be Too Quick To Jump On Him If He Screws Up
This is probably one of the hardest things to implement and practice, but if you can take an extra beat before berating him, it can save your relationship! The biggest complaint I receive from my male clients about their partners is they constantly nag and control them. Just don't do it and refer again to Step #80!
84. Time For A Road Trip
Random I know, but if you don't know who your guy really is by this point, a road trip will reveal a lot! If you've ever done a road trip with a best friend or ex, you probably know what I mean. Consequently, road trips can breed comfortable silences…or something else you weren't expecting...
85. Give Him Random Massages On Hard Days
This is one of those gestures that men really appreciate and usually reciprocate. It doesn't have to be long or anything elaborate. It could be five minutes. It's one of those unspoken ways you can show him you care about him.
86. Evenly Split Time At Each Of Your Places
It's important to have balance with things like this, especially in the beginning. If one person is having to spend more time than the other at their partner's place, it can lead to resentment. Create a schedule both of you can live with.
87. Tell Him You Love Him
Well done. I mean it. It's now time to tell that special guy something you've probably been waiting to tell him for a while. If you've made it this far in the journey, you're going to be just fine moving forward. Go out for a special evening and lay it on him!
Thanks for hanging with me through these baby steps on how to get a boyfriend. These are the most logical steps to win a man's heart.
I know, because it worked on me and got me to propose to the woman of my dreams! But in all seriousness, have fun with the experience and don't overthink anything. You'll do great!
READ NEXT: Rori Raye Targeting Mr. Right – Learn how to fine-tune your boyfriend skills to reel in “the one”