THIS POST MAY CONTAIN AFFILIATE LINKS. PLEASE READ MY DISCLOSURE FOR MORE INFO.
Under nearly any circumstance, getting back your ex is a bad idea. There’s a reason you broke up, and unless you can both change, the likelihood you can make it work is approaching zero.
So, what difficulties for men exist with getting back your ex?
1. The Trust Is Gone.
2. Your Reasons Might Be Twisted.
3. You Have To Fix Yourself First.
4. People Don’t Change.
5. It’s All About Her Needs Now.
6. Her Friends Are Against You.
7. It’s Easy To Overdo It.
8. It’s Very Likely You’ll Fail.
However, if you know the breakup was one hundred percent your fault and your ex isn’t to blame at all, then maybe there’s a chance.
Perhaps you cheated. Maybe you lied one too many times. It’s also possible you’re just a bum and she finally had enough.
No matter what you did, the effect is the same—you’ve messed up and it’s going to be very difficult to get her back.
If you can prove that you’ve changed and you both really love each other, there may be a chance the relationship can last.
But don’t get your hopes up. You’ll need to be realistic. Here are those eight hard truths in detail that you’ll need to deal with:
1. The Trust Is Gone
It doesn’t matter what you did. The trust is gone. Your ex can’t count on you to be there for her.
The hardest part about getting back together will be that the trust will always be broken. It will be impossible to get it back completely.
At best, you can put a band-aid on it and live some semblance of a full relationship. Even if it heals, there will always be scars.
It will never be the same again. But though she will never trust you fully and will always doubt you, if you can prove to her you’ve changed for good, she may commit to making a daily choice to give you another chance.
She may forgive you, but she’ll never forget. You will have to spend the rest of the relationship making it up to her.
You will have to be OK always being at fault for the relationship going sour. Ideally, if she forgives, she won’t bring it up again, but that’s not realistic. It will come up again in fights, and you’ll have deal with it.
If you can humble yourself and bear it, you just might have a chance.
2. Your Reasons Might Be Twisted
If you’re getting back with your ex, you have to be honest with her, and especially with yourself, about why you want to get back with her.
It’s going to be hard, and if you’re not doing it for the right reasons, not only will you fail, but you’ll have wasted everyone’s time and probably made the relationship even worse.
Is it because you need to be in a relationship? Well there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Eventually you’ll realize she’s not worth the effort. Spend some time being single and loving yourself. Then you’ll be a catch.
Maybe you feel like you need someone to take care of you. That’s codependency. Learn to take care of yourself so you can take care of those that need you!
Is it because being with her gives you some sort of status? Maybe it’s status you give yourself. Maybe she carries a lot of influence and you like to bask in it.
It’s not worth it. The only important status is how you think of yourself, which should not be dependent on being with someone else. Until you value yourself, no one of value will be secure enough with you long term.
Maybe you feel that by getting back together, you can relieve the guilt plaguing you for what you did. Truth is, you’ll always feel that guilt until she forgives you. You don’t need to get back together with her for her to choose to forgive you.
All these reasons are crap. The only reason you should get back together with her is because you love her, you want to commit to being with her, and you’re committing to changing whatever caused the problem.
You’ll have to do this for her sake and yours, of course. The primary focus will be on meeting her needs.
You could potentially make things worse if you’re not in it for the right reasons: love and commitment.
3. You Have To Fix Yourself First
This won’t work if you don’t fix yourself, preferably before you try to get your ex back, not while you try it.
The more proof you have that you’re a changed person, the more chance you have of getting your ex back.
Obviously, you have to fix the problem that broke you up: Cheating, lying, laziness, physical abuse…
All of these are caused by underlying habits you should work to change.
Here are some common habits that will make you an all-around better person. Check off all of these, and even if you don’t get your ex back, you’ll land a quality woman.
Honesty. Learn to be honest with everyone you meet, especially yourself. Admit your faults and be honest about wanting to change them. This doesn’t mean you have to divulge all your secrets, just that you realize lying destroys trust. Avoid it whenever possible.
Openness. You have to be open with your feelings—with yourself and with people close to you. Vulnerability and intimacy are two pillars of a relationship. Practice these with those close to you and women will be like putty in your hands.
Self-Control. Explosive anger is one of the easiest ways to destroy a relationship. Being able to regulate your emotions will see you more successful in all areas of life and will keep you from saying stuff you regret. It can also help you avoid laziness, over eating and all sorts of addictions that can destroy your life.
Gratitude. When you show gratitude toward other people, they feel special and gravitate to you. You also become a happier, healthier and more positive person. It is one of the ways to a long, happy life, and you can learn it!
4. People Don’t Change
If you’re planning on getting back your ex, don’t expect her to change. In general, people don’t change without a lot of purposeful effort.
This is why it’s important to only do this if you were the one completely at fault…
If there was a habit or attitude that drove you crazy, don’t expect anything to be different.
The best way around this is to work on controlling your reaction to those pet peeves. We all have them in relationships, but a healthy relationship will handle them.
If she chews loudly and it causes you to get angry at her, that’s a problem with you, not her. Even a great partner has annoying habits, and you will have them too.
Think about how you’d want the other person to react to them. Then try to act that way.
Think through all the things that caused problems in your relationship. Are any of these more then small annoyances? Are there any red flags?
If the answer is yes, don’t try to get her back.
She’s not committed to the same change you are.
5. It’s All About Her Needs Now
For a while, it will be all about her needs. Even if you manage to get her back, you will need to spend a long time giving her the type of relationship and affection that she needs.
You’ll need to show her you’re trying to take an interest in her and things she likes. You’ll have to consistently put her before yourself, which is a good exercise in love, anyway.
You forfeited your needs when you broke her trust and put the relationship at risk…
As you piece together your relationship again, you will able to receive and ask for your needs again. But if you’re truly sorry, you won’t mind unconditional and self-emptying love for a while.
If after a time she’s still unable to give you what you need, it’s likely she hasn’t forgiven you yet and the relationship is just a sham.
6. Her Friends Are Against You
When you’re getting back your ex, you’re in it alone…
Your friends might support you, but hers definitely won’t, and they’re the ones that matter.
Her friends are going to hate you, shun you, and make this as difficult as possible for you. They will do everything in their power to prevent her from getting hurt again.
Not only will you have to prove yourself to your ex, but you’ll have to show her friends you’ve changed.
There’s no way around it—you are wooing them as well as her…
Buy them all a round of drinks. Admit how wrong you were to them. Having a certain level of vulnerability and intimacy with her friends can show them that you’ve changed.
It’s possible that, in the unlikely event you’re able to convince them you’ve changed, they could be your biggest allies.
One unique potential might be friends you both shared. Unless you were complete scum, they probably tried to avoid taking sides.
Even if they did take her side, they’re going to be your best option for bridging the gap and at least wanting to give you support.
Connect with these people, let them see your struggle to be a better person. They might just whisper in the ear of your ex and give you the extra support that you need.
7. It’s Easy To Overdo It
It’s easy to overdo it in your attempts to get back your ex.
A good way to prevent this is by fixing all your problems before you start pursuing her again.
What are signs of overdoing it? Texting inappropriate things or at inappropriate hours. Contacting her too frequently. Having obsessive thoughts about her…
Stalking her is bad, obviously, but you may not realize you’re doing it if you’ve reached that point.
None of these are going to help your case, and in fact might result in a worse outcome—like a restraining order…
Know how to approach the situation. Be prepared to take the relationship slowly and on her terms.
Even if things are starting to go well, give her the space she needs, even if she doesn’t ask for it.
What’s one sneaky method of getting her back? Post about your transformation on Facebook, but don’t mention her at all. Win her back by pretending you don’t actually care.
When you meet personal goals, make public apologies, and post (in a non-bragging way) about all the improvements you’re making in your life, she might just come back to you without you having to ask too much.
It might take longer than you want or expected, but patience is the only way you’re going to win her back.
READ my review of David Deangelo 77 Laws to discover how to reset your mindset about women and become the strong-willed man she desires
8. It’s Very Likely You’ll Fail
It’s very likely you’ll fail at getting back your ex.
If you start seeing negative effects to you pursuing her again, it’s time to take a step back, and even give up before things get worse.
If you happen to have kids together, stop before she completely cuts off contact with you and takes the kids.
Sometimes it’s better to have a civil, non-romantic relationship so you can see your kids. Maybe you two can even be friends.
Think really hard if it’s worth the risk. If you fail, will you be worse off? Will it be worth it if you only end up damaging the relationship further?
You’ll have to make sure make sure you’re working every day to remind her why she’s with you. Make up for you past mistakes and avoid future ones.
If you fail and aren’t stuck “together” by sharing kids, cut off all contact with her. There’s no other way to move on, and if you stay in contact, even friendly contact, you’ll end up trying to get back with her again.
It’s sometimes possible to be friends with an ex, especially if you have kids together, but once you try to get back with her and fail, you’ve sacrificed that privilege.
Getting Back Your Ex Will Be Hard
Even if you’re aware of all the realities about getting back your ex, you’re in for a long, hard road.
It will take self-growth, introspection, apologizing, and no small amount of emotional pain.
If you work hard though, you have a chance at reclaiming the relationship and becoming an all around better and happier person for it.